What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
my proudest tweet
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Yes
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99