Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*puts my mental health in rice
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily