Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
You Might Also Like
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.