(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
CRYING
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.