WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.