When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.