[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Namaste
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.