Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.