Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet