Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*limbos under the caution tape
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.