Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills