Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”