Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
😂 amazing answer
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
u spoke cat all this time??????
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.