Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Boom, boom, ching!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*