Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You Might Also Like
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
crazy
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”