Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You Might Also Like
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If snakes were wide
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Worst bar ever.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?