Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Best seat on the street 😍
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: