Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
those birds must be on payroll
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…