Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.