God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy