[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
next question.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.