*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I told my vodka about you.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?