Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Cheers Twitter.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
This did not end as expected.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”