“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
What’s a Messi?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
And they lived apathetically ever after.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.