When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
How dude HOW?!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: