My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
my professor scared me for a second
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?