The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
as is their right
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.