A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
an octopus is just a wet spider
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.