How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know