Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.