“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Noah was an idiot.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.