Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.