Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.