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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.