I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name