NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Probably my best painting.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.