I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.