Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
In banana years, I am bread.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger