364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.