The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sheep
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?