Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
You Might Also Like
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Britain be like
January has been Januweary
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy