At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Monday?
No. Next question.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car