If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.