Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
boat question
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
the battle rages on
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.