Happy Caturday!
You Might Also Like
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My wife gives the best headache.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.