“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
how many bears make up a bear minimum
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Bro what is this
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately