Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You Might Also Like
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.