An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today