damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”