u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.